I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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