don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
