Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
