Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
