You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
