I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Vodka?
Forever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
