I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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