Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
