i was born a porn star she said
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
