I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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