Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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