you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
