You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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