Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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