I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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