If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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