I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
