Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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