Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
