it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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