i jhust puked up my retainher.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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