im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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