I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
