My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
