I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
