the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
