..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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