i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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