I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
