They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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