i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
