We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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