I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
