Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
