hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
