Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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