I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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