When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
