it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
