i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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