i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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