You're my little dorito
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
