I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
