So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
