Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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