As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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