Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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