i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
