know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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