I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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