Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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