maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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