Swine flu. Run for my life!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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