Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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