By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
