I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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