Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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