when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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