Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
