We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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