Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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