I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
