On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
